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A Community of One: Facing my Fears of Being Alone

By Catalyst Yogi

"How can you have satisfaction when you do not accept loneliness as the highest state of consciousness?…You want to go higher, higher, higher than all. When you reach the top of all, you become One. Lonely. Exclusive. In that exclusive oneness, the loneliness, the One within you is awakened. And within you is that Infinite teacher—that's called the 'soul.' You asked for it; you work for it; you do it. And then you cry?" -Yogi Bhajan, 3/29/87

Personally, I know loneliness and isolation very well. For the past four and half years I’ve been without a community of real live people in the flesh. The Infinite removed these human relationships from me so I could learn a powerful lesson. At the time this loss felt like a punishment, but now I have grown to see this experience as a blessing and necessary for my Soul’s evolution.

It started in 2012 when all of my relationships dropped away, one by one, until I was completely alone. It became so extreme I actually thought I had died and hadn’t realized it! I moved through the world like a ghost, having no real connection with other humans. It didn’t seem like it was my conscious choice and that a powerful force had taken over my life and placed me in an invisible bubble.

Added to this was the fact that I had no real home so I drifted from one place to the next. During this time, I had many heated arguments with God: “Why were there no new people appearing in my world? Why did all these people from my past just disappear? Where am I supposed to live? What did I do wrong?” Nothing seemed to be working out. It was as though God closed a door and the other door hadn’t opened yet and I remained stuck in a dark hallway. At my darkest times it felt like GOD just forgot about me.

Through years of this experience I became very intimate with loneliness, alienation and the many temptations of the ego to end this pain and just commit suicide.

The one thing that I knew about myself was that I love to serve people. I knew instinctively, even as a small child, that in order to dig myself out of a hole, I must help someone else. My way of serving others is as a spiritual teacher but there were no students—they too had disappeared! I remember that Yogi Bhajan said if he found himself in hell he would teach Kundalini Yoga and meditation. Well, it seemed like I was dropped in my own personal hell, facing my deepest unconscious fears of being alone.

Under extreme pressure to stop looking outside of myself, I was forced to go deep into my own Self for the answers I was seeking. It was at that time I was divinely guided to create a series of online healing programs using the technology of Kundalini Yoga and meditation. Creating these programs filled me with so much love and joy, and it felt the same as teaching workshops and classes. A global online community was formed called the Lighten Up Brigade and loneliness dissolved when I served on the internet in this way. This became my lifeline to the Divine—my virtual community.

Still loneliness was there waiting for me during my down times. The feeling of loneliness was my teacher and showed me clearly all those hidden areas where I did not love myself. Loneliness showed me where I had not completely surrendered my ego to God. Loneliness showed me how I was really alienated from my Self.

I had to admit one day that I didn’t know my true identity. I was still seeing myself and my life through other people’s eyes. Finally, I had no other choice than to surrender to this deep emotional pain of loneliness. I realized that I had been running away from this loneliness for my whole life. Sure, I had loved my solitude, but I had tricked myself by staying in my mind—my imagination, to run from loneliness.

Now I stopped and embraced it and the painful realization came in one fell swoop: I am alone to face the challenges in life and I will be alone to face my physical death. I have always been alone even in my relationships. And with this realization came a deep emotional release. And then came the experience of God. GOD had been there at my birth, GOD had been through all of my challenges and GOD is here with me now. GOD was with me at my most painful moments waiting for me like a patient father to finally see this truth. “God and Me, Me and God are ONE” moved from just words to an experience.

And then I saw the beauty of this experience of isolation and asked myself, “How could it have been any different?” At this moment, I wanted to kiss each person that left me, rejected me and did not see me. It was all a grand orchestration to get me to finally go inside to the ONE that has been waiting for me for many lifetimes.

Now I rarely feel loneliness; I feel connected to my Self. Therefore I feel connected to the Self that reflects itself back to me in all the many forms of creation. I know my identity as the Self and when I forget that, loneliness comes back. When I stay centered in my identity, this is when I experience oneness and feel our human connection to one another. And more importantly, I feel the love for myself and others. This is what the Aquarian Age requires of all the teachers, healers and leaders—to love.

So if you are experiencing loss, abandonment and loneliness in your life, please embrace this divine blessing. Each human must move through the pain of loneliness into oneness. This is our birth into the Aquarian Age. This pain cracks your heart open so wide to experience the Love inside you. This is the real you. And never doubt for a moment that GOD is with you, patiently waiting for you to finally realize your Self as infinite Love.

Catalyst Yogi (Haribhajan) helps you to attract healthy, loving relationships and claim your unique, divine gifts through the Shadow Mining online healing programs. These programs are to assist you in your evolution into the new Aquarian Age consciousness. Participants also become a member of a supportive global community called the Catalyst Yogi Synarchy. He also hosts a free monthly online New Moon Meditation for Peace gathering. Check the website for more details.