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By Jamie Crowley/Sat Avtar Kaur
I kept hearing the answer to the sutra, ‘There is a way through every block,” even before Summer Solstice. Love. Over and over again. Love.
For my first Solstice I had to dig real deep to get there, and also to get through it, but I felt at home; everything felt familiar. When I told people it was my first Summer Solstice after 15 years of Kundalini Yoga everyone always seemed surprised. I know many people in the community around the world, and this blessing made the experience so very full, and also very challenging. I felt my weakness, frailty and pain were on display.
Each day I was confronted with blocks, with circumstances highlighting deep seated fears and painful places: my need to fix things, obsession with perfection in everything, fear of chaos and the unknown, doubt, not doing enough, making mistakes, and hurting others unintentionally because of my own feelings.
The experience brought an immersion into peace, a commitment to honoring my body’s needs, to say no, to create boundaries, to keep up, to give and love even through pain and doubt, recognizing my deep need to give, and be loyal, and to fully appreciate the grace and beauty of my own radiant smile that touches people's hearts deeply.
Almost every day I hitched a ride up or down the mountain, some days both. There is no other time or place I would consider doing it, but it was part of my experience and I connected with more people, and gained sparkling nuggets of divine wisdom.
Leading up to Tantric, I was told how important it is for us to heal the generational karma, so that we can break the chains of karmic bondage and fulfill our destiny. The final day of Tantric we chanted Akal. The air thickened with the energies of the souls connected to us. What was layed out before me was the importance of generational healing that transcends any obligation in the physical. The work we do as yogis is profound—the soul clearing, the karmic purifying—and explains why I incarnated into a family I have never quite understood and felt so much turmoil from. I could always palpably see the entanglement of illusion, meanwhile resisting it every minute.
I saw the light of love and partnership, the possibility for me in the smiling face of a beautiful child. The last day of the festival I hitched a ride up with Sat Siri of Ra Ma Da Sa Institute. Sitting in the backseat with her beautiful daughter, her eyes on my face, and holding my hand against her heart brought home what I discovered in day two of Tantric.
When I am asked if I want children I always, very particularly say no. My attitude, perspective and experience of relationships and family was a massive block to finding peace and happiness in those realms. That fear, taken on from generations of karma and my own parents experiences passed onto me was a wedge in my destiny. What I felt, in a wave of release and love, was the possibility and heart felt desire to have children, and the faith and hope of the possibility of that fulfillment.
While Solstice was extremely painful, while I was confronted very obviously with challenge, I will be back next year (and not just because I anticipate my debut album to be released). There is no other stronger, more sacred experience I have been through that has given me the opportunity of healing, of forgiveness, and growth.
And meanwhile, I am still crying over its loss, pain, and beauty. I am basking in its joy, and infinite love, its breaking open of my heart. While I am still feeling pangs of hurt, having moments of serious wailing and weeping, it is the way through; it is part of the process. Healing generations of karma, healing oneself, is a dirty job, not linear, and completely one’s own to experience.
Jamie Crowley/Sat Avtar Kaur: I work with Dr. Sham Rang Singh. We provide many free teachings and classes in video. My mission is to spread Kundalini Yoga healing worldwide on a recorded video and live platform. All our videos are free now, and we will always make sure to have a lot of free and accessible information for people. There have been times when I could not afford classes and I think it is so important to reach people where there are no studios, or where they cannot afford classes (that is when we REALLY need them)
Aquarian Yogi http://www.aquarianyogi.net
Sat Avtar Kaur http://www.satavtarkaur.com
Photographs © Andy Richter. Andy is currently immersed in a photographic exploration of yoga that will take form as a book in the coming years. The journey continues to lead him into the presence of great masters, to ascetics meditating in caves, to massive gatherings of humanity and always to a deeper knowledge and experience of yoga. To see more of his work, please visit www.andyrichterphoto.com.