The Endless Fall
By Sat Purkh Kaur Khalsa, New Mexico, USA
I have fallen in love more times than I’d like to admit. But I’ve never been able to manage that endless fall that Yogi Bhajan describes: “If you fall in love, keep falling!” All of my ‘great’ loves came to an end one way or another; beautiful men I gave my heart to only to have it returned a little bruised, and sometimes broken. When I found Kundalini Yoga I was still young enough to long for “the one.” I put a lot of energy and time into relationships that went nowhere. As I grew older and my practice matured I realized that I hadn’t cultivated the capacity for love at all, much less an endless love. I still clung to my own ideas about what a relationship should look like, how I wanted to feel, what I wanted it to be. I was still thinking about me—not the other person! I didn’t really know how to love at all. I only knew how to fall.
So I began, in earnest, to learn what it meant to really love. I talked to people who’d been in long-term relationships. I asked questions; I observed; I studied. I also began to work on myself and the blocks within me that kept me from loving myself or others. Over time, I realized that what I had always longed for, that connection I so desperately sought for so many years, wasn’t out there; it was here, within me. “The One” I’d been searching for was within me all along. I could quit searching because the Divine Light of Love had been carrying me all along, through all my broken hearts, all my misplaced longings, and all my lonely days, and delivered me here, to myself, where I’m learning to fall deeper and deeper in love with my life and with the Divine who works through me.
Once I began to align my desire to love and be loved with the Infinite’s Love, all the grasping fell away. I began to relax deeply into my being, my life, and my joy. Food began to taste better, music carried me away to places I’d long forgotten, friendships grew more dear; life became sweet. I began to fall in love with myself—and I believe this time, it just may stick. I may have found the endless fall after all—within me. Because in the end, it doesn’t really matter who you love, but how much you love. Yogi Bhajan has given us a kriya to help us grow that capacity, the capacity to love (see How Much You Love).
A quote given to me by my mentor many years ago and sustained me through good times and bad, reflects what Yogiji has been teaching us all along. Just be you.
“You do not need to be loved—not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central in a life is a relationship with your Self. It is rewarding to find someone you like, but essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view your own self that way. It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect, admiration, and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of respect, admiration, and love, for you cannot live in someone else. Of all the people that you will ever know in a lifetime, you are the only one that you will never lose or leave. To the question of your life, you’re the answer, and to the problems of your life, you’re the solution.” –Jo Coudert